I'll start this broken heart.

What do you do when you try to be there for everyone and help them out but get screwed over in the end? When you can never seem to do anything right. When you’re the kind person that would do anything for anyone and be there for them but don’t have anyone who would do that in return? What do you do when everyone hates you, and you hate yourself? I feel so fucking empty inside. I’m almost out of tears to cry and solutions to my problems. There’s only one solution I can think of.

     She keeps telling you she loves you. She could never love you like I do. Screw her over once, and watch where she’ll be. I put up with so much for you, no one will ever do that again. I noticed you lost weight, good. You look good now, well besides your extremely long hair and that stupid beanie you always wear even when it’s hot as balls out. Your sister finally had her baby, and it breaks my heart to have not been the one to experience that. It’s going to be a year pretty soon since I broke up with you for the last time, it’s crazy how time flies and it’s even crazier how i’m still not over you. I guess you can’t help when you really, truly love someone. I did what I had to do, because you and i were like fire and ice (me being the ice). 

     Last night I had a dream that there was a zombie Apocalypse… I guess I’ve been watching The Walking Dead a little too much. I was with my family and zombies started attacking and my mom kicked me out of our group of people and made me go out on my own with no weapons. I then stumbled upon a soccer field of some sorts that was fenced in and there were tons of people playing, it seemed as if they knew nothing about the zombie invasion yet. I climbed the fence and joined them and the first sign of what I thought was a zombie appeared and I woke up. I also spent most of my night last night with a boy I’ve occasionally been hanging out with. He’s really nice and seems pretty into me, but I’m not quite sure how I feel about him. I want a relationship and I know that’s what he’s offering, but I can’t seem to feel a connection between us even when he does. I guess he’s not the typical douche bag I tend to go for even when I claim to like nice guys. I guess I need a nice guy with a bit of an asshole side to him. Someone to challenge me. Not someone like you who was constantly a douche bag. 

I had a dream about you last night. We were going on a field trip with your family for the Soup Kitchen and your new girlfriend was there. It was very awkward for me of course, and I cried. You tried to comfort me but then ended up pushing me away and acting like an ass, it was all too real.  I woke up in a daze of confusion and anger. 

Today has been….. interesting to say the least. I had an interview for a job as an associate. It went well after being grilled to death. Came home for the weekend to see my family. Not looking forward to Sunday at all.

     As I sit here in my dorm and watch The Vampire Diaries you cross my mind for the second time today. I looked through our old pictures earlier, I stayed strong even though inside I was dying. I know you’d never believe it, and I admit I find it hard to believe as well given the situation, but I’m still madly in love with you. You’ve moved on, found someone new. She even has my name. I haven’t. Maybe it’s because I spent a year and a half holding on so tightly, trying to fix all the things that were wrong with our relationship, but I was the only one. So when I finally ended it for good, I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t need you and that I was better off without you, but the truth is, I’m not. I just confessed to my best friend that I’m still in love with you, to my surprise she understood. She told me that she had a dream about her ex. I guess when you spend so much time fighting for someone, you never truly stop loving them, you just convince yourself that you did. If that were true, what’s your excuse? Sure, you moved on, but you stopped loving me prior to that happening. Have you been lying to yourself all along? or did you never truly love me?